Monday, April 25, 2005
the train journeyi was sitting alone at the side in the train, gazing out of the window to the passing scenery. the train was on its way towards south, where my parents lived. it was the summer holidays, and i was on my way back to visit them. this was the first visit ever since i left the house for college one year ago.
during this year, my perception of view towards life changed. i left home for college as a blonde with primpy bright coloured clothes; but now, my hair turned black, and what used to be bright colours that i wore faded to gothly shades. i just wonder what my mum and dad would think of me. as i gazed out, pieces of memories were brought back to my mind. the way they cried when i left for college, the way my dad pushed me on the swing when i was about four... we were picture-perfect, like those family portraits you see on televisions. they gave me everything i wanted; provided me with everything i needed; but this was how i let them down...
i met alex. he was the one that changed me and made me who i am now. he taught me how to drink and smoke. he introduced freedom to me; telling me to live my life for myself, in other words, do what i want to do. from a straight a student, i dropped to just failing every subject. teachers were concerned for me, but i just shoved their words off. i looked at life like a mixed up jigsaw the was impossible to fix; i felt alone. my life was dark then.
the train was close to another stop before reaching my destination. i felt like getting off the train, turn back and never go home again. the feeling of guilt and shame was taking its toll on me.
my mind was whirling. i didn't know what to do. the train was getting closer to the south by every second. i grabbed my cell phone and dialled that familiar number i knew for eighteen years of my life.
"hello?" someone picked up. it was my mum. i hastened on what to say. "anyone there?" she said, hearing nothing on the other line. the silence went on for a few more seconds, before i decided to say something.
"hey mum, it's me." i finally choked the words out.
"oh hi mandy! aren't you on the way home now?" she chirped, in the highest pitch. somehow the way she spoke made me felt worse.
"yeah, i am. i'm coming soon." i said, my voice was shaky.
"alright! so is there anything that matter?" i could hear the suspicion in her voice. she knew i had a reason to call.
the tears broke from my eyes. i was crying. if i could just share my misery with her, i would spill everything. i let out my whimps accidently. she heard them.
"mandy, are you crying? what's wrong?" she asked.
i told her, everything. about how i changed, and how badly i did for my results. it went on for about an hour and a half before i finally cooled down, with my tears dried.
"i was just wondering." i said, almost out of breath from all the crying, "if... you would still want me to come back to see you and dad." it took me a long time to get those words out of me; but it was spoken afterall.
the trained reached south, it was time to get off.
i was waiting for her answer.
"yes, come back my dear mandy. we still love you." she said.
(447 words)
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» 11:58 PM