Tuesday, July 26, 2005
THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON I EVER LEARNED.Being ignorant and not caring about other's feelings has always been part of my character since I was young. Many have asked me to change, but I would simply shoot back, "I would only change it it's for myself. If you can't accept me for who I am, that's your problem."
I had never really understood why exactly people asked me to change. From my own point of view, I think of myself as just merely speaking my mind. That was just my attitude; but it was only a matter of time before I really understood.
Nicholas was this boy in my class that everyone referred to as the 'cap boy'. He wore his cap all the time in school. I swore I had never seen him taking it off, nor have I seen the hair underneath it. Somehow, I loved to comment on his cap. I always found some way or another to give my comments on it, or criticized the most miniscule of things. A part of me knew that I never really mean what I said; all I wanted was just some fun mocking him.
To the fact that he never retaliated or showed much emotion to my comments, it startled me. I want to irk him; I wanted my comments to get to him... it never did, though. I never really managed to hit that 'raw nerve'. Every time, he would just give me that trademark smirk, with his lips slightly curving. Besides that smile, he never uttered even a word of displease about it.
This mocking continued throughout the semester. It didn't take a rocket scientist to guess who my choice target of insults were. I never felt guilty for my actions whatsoever. As I've said, I just believed that it reflected my true character. I did not think he took my comments to heart, as he never got angry before.
The first day of the next semester, Nicholas's seat was empty - for the first time.
Maybe he's sick, I thought to myself.
I meant 'sick' in the way that he was only having something like a fever or flu, or maybe some coughing. Yes he was sick; but not the way I expected it to be.
I didn't know what to think when Ms Robinson announced to the class that we would not be seeing Nicholas anymore. All this while he had leukemia, a kind of blood cancer. His condition has worsened and her was not able to attend school anymore.
His cap - was to cover his baldhead.
His cap - was not a choice to whether he wanted to use it or not.
My seemingly innocent fun - ostracizing his appearance, was not so innocent after all. I felt disgusted with myself for deriving pleasure out of putting down a person who did not have the freedom of choice; I felt myself feeling hurt for what I did. When those comments were suppose to get to him, they backfired and stabbed me instead; like a boomerang that I have thrown which is coming back to me.
He passed away three months after he stopped schooling. He could not take his Primary School Leaving Examination results; he passed away shortly before it was released.
"I would change if it’s for myself" - it's time, I made the decision to change.
The guilt is too much to bear. I wished I had a rewind button in my hand to go back in time and erase all the things I have done… but it is just too late. Maybe you would be wondering why this was, and still is, such an important lesson to me. This incident taught me how it was like to feel hurt; it thought me about sensitivity. It helped me to grow in maturity, and to read between the lines, and last but not least, what it feels like to lose a friend - forever.
(643 words)
» 11:36 PM