Wednesday, March 29, 2006

26th march, that sunday night.

i cried in his arms.
i cried so loudly in the playground, that ppl started kepo-ing and came down to see what the commotion was about.
he walked me home hand in hand. i thought it'll be the last time we'll ever walk together.
he hugged me goodbye, and i left him there.

i was fucked up. i was so sad. i was so disappointed. i walked home crying, i showered crying, i slept crying, i seeked comfort - crying.

i'd never cried this much and this badly for a long time. the last time i cried this badly was when i fell down during sports day during primary school when i was about P3. that was five years ago. my mum caught me crying that night, she asked me what's wrong and if i wanted to talk; i told her to leave me alone. she hugged me anyhow, telling me that whatever happened was no big deal, and that i'm a brave girl, and that i should be strong. i've been strong enough already, i've been strong for too long a time.

he msged me, he told me not to cry anymore. he told me to forget, he told me to forget everything abt us. he said he'll be there for me, but only as a friend now. it made me cry even more. it made me hurt and bleed more. i didn't sleep the night; i cried the night. i didn't even want to close my eyes. the moment i do, flashes of memories and moments we shared together play like a film without sound in my mind. a film that ended distortedly - a film where she was left there bleeding alone.

27th march, monday.

good morning world.

i switched on my phone first thing in the morning, i wanted to get an sms. yeah i got one - but it wasn't from him. it wasn't the usual 'good morning dear' i got like before. it hit me once again, it reminded me again. wake up abby.

my eyes were puffed, my soul felt the verge of death. but i tried to be happy. i tried to laugh. but i failed. when i took out my pencil case, i rmb vday. when i checked the time, i rmbed who had the similiar brown one. when i took out my wallet for recess, i rmbed the one that bought it for me. but still, i stayed strong, i didn't want to break to pieces after all that i've built up. i didn't want to appear weak.

school ended. he msged me.
"where are you? can meet me awhile?"
"still at school. my mum coming at 430 to meet me. what time you wanna meet?"
"anytime. you decide."
"about five? but where?"
"anywhere."
"okay then i meet you at kembagan."
"kk. but kembagan where?"
"lol. you decide on that then."
"then nvm. i don't think there's need anymore."
"why so fickle?"
"nvm lah it's alright. don't meet le."
"okay then. but if you want to meet just call me. i'll meet you de. tc. [:"
"there really isn't a need anymore. take care."

i wanted to cry again, and i did. i listened to Kiss Goodbye, the song he sent me that night and i started crying all over again.
i felt so weak. i needed him so much then. i missed him so much. i needed to see him. i needed him to be by me.. it was my turn to msg him.

i asked him to accompany me for a jog that night. i just wanted to see him. he agreed, and so we met.

we met at the connector. i didn't dare to look at him into the face. i was afraid they would roll down my face and i'll feel numb all over again. i didn't want those flashbacks that i had like the night before to sting my heart so bad again. i was weak enough. it hurts to look at him, and yet you know you can't have him anymore.

we didn't jogged in the end. instead, we walked the small lanes like we did in the past. we talked like friends at first, until the punchline came - he asked me if i was happy.

i felt strangely sad all over again, just like what happened the night before. i thought him no, i know i won't be happy. i told him i tried hard today, and i failed. i told him without him, i wouldn't be what i am today. he passed me his phone, it was at his drafts page, the page where he saved smses from me.

this time, there were smses saved from him too.

as i read the messages, they flowed down my cheeks all over again.

one of the messages told me why he wanted to meet me in the afternoon. he wanted to talk abt us, he wanted to redecide what to do abt us. but he thought i was happy, when i went 'lol', and '[:'.

it made me realise how much i need him. it made me realise how much attached i am to him. how much i depend on him to smile. i gave in. i hugged him real tight. the feeling of comfort on him felt so right, so good, so warm, so protecting. i'll always need him, today, tomorrow and for always.

if there was a word more than love to describe how i feel for him, i would use it.

» 9:05 PM