Tuesday, April 25, 2006

i did five stations today.

i broke my own record. probably this is the only year that i won't be getting a Gold - due to my standing broad jump, which i ended up with a D. somehow, i don't really feel all that disappointed with myself. probably the significence of Napfa doesn't mean as much to me as it used to in the past when i was all haolian abt how fit i am.

i didn't eat much during recess. didn't have enough money anyway. after school, i knew i had to eat though my stomach felt full. and so i ended up with laksa. i'm not sure if it was me or that the laksa is seriously bad. my taste buds tell me it tastes nothing close to laksa - it's more like noodles in a gravy of water mixed with salt. feel the pain man.

after Chem SPA practice which ended at five - Shearen, Mee, Leon and I walked home together. had a great time talking to Leon when we were on the way home in bus 10 while Mee and Shearen walked home. both of us suffered the same crisis on the same day, but he's taking it better than i am.

i dropped at Siglap Centre, and i planned to walk home from there. i decided to get myself the usual Hot Fudge Sundae at McD i've always craved to cheer myself up. it's been a long time since i ate it, but somehow it didn't taste the same today.

i walked past the lift lobby of Siglap Centre. i looked there, and fragments of the past came to me when i remembered us taking stupid pictures there together during Chinese New Year. they almost fell, but i decided to stay strong. i turned away, and continued my way back home. i took each step thinking of how i won't look back, i took each step forward though i could feel salt rubbing my cut. i took each step - with courage.

if you think sorry would make things better, think again. it wouldn't help stitch up my cut like magic when your fingers snap, and neither would it make you or me feel better. what happened was for good, and sorry shouldn't be the word here.

let's just blame it on the fact that i had gone so deep, and that time had brought us this far. there won't be a rewind button for us to press, to go back and clean up the regrets we both made and fast forward everything again, pretending nothing's hurting.

i'll treat this as scars that summed up the feelings which brought me where i am now. scars that i know wouldn't hurt next time when i see them; scars that would just remind me that the pain i felt in the past was real. i don't regret for everything i had ever done for you, for i know you're the only person that could give me the kind of happiness i would ever want for my whole life. there won't be another chance for me to commit to anyone like this again. i know good things don't for long - and i know i shouldn't just hold on to this piece of love like a naive child, hoping it'll happen for the second time again.

it's great to know friends out there care. and they're there to listen to you when you need them. for anyone who's reading this - thank you friend, in one way or another that you've helped me, made me smile and made me laugh. like he'd said, 'i may not be forever, but your friends would be forever with you.' i appreciate that.

i won't inflict further pain on myself. i would move on like how both of us should; though it would be hard, i know i'm strong. and i can make it through this.

till then.

he may not need her.
but she needs him.

she promised not to tear. she did her best. she swallowed them down her throat; she smiled when he asked her to. but as she writes this, they start driggling their way down her cheeks. she finds no reason to cry anymore. she finds no reason to inflict further pain to what already she can't take.

she knows she must be strong; for now, there's no one down there to catch her if she falls anymore.

» 6:20 PM