Monday, July 10, 2006
i'm feeling almost numb.
why is it, that people you care so much for, never fails to disappoint you in some way or another? and the irony comes in; when people you never expected to care sees it beyond the smiles.
ha, i'm probably pathetic.
i probably can't say much about others, when things aren't even going smooth for myself. i probably can't even help others, and i can't even fucking help myself.
so what have i done in my life, which i would be etched in my memory ten years down the road? when i grow old and have a kid of my own, she/he'll probably go, 'hey mummy, how was it like when you were a kid?'
the TYS answer would be, 'well, it was great. i had great friends and a great life, with great luxuries and great parents.'
but i'll probably hesitate before answering him, cos i know it isn't true.
my life isn't great.
my life isn't happy.
my life isn't all worth giving up for.
i harbour no thoughts of it anymore, but traces of shadows still do follow me as i tried to move along.
it takes time, many told me that. but if that's the case, why is it with every minute that ticked by, do i feel worse by every second? why is it, with every one second more, does it sink deeper into me?
situations are probably as obvious as black or white. i don't complicate matters for nothing when they're uncomplicated. but why, does it mean so much to me even when i'd realised i'm the only one holding on still?
it isn't just a cut, or a scar. it's been a chapter of my life. it's not something that i would forget just like that; nor would the story be complete if i tore this chapter of my life out.
it's not a chapter i had to forget, bcos i know that can't be done.
it's a chapter that would be a part way back, not forgotten.. but instead, appreciated.
you'll probably have question marks all over your forehead now, so many that i probably would even see it from here. it's alright, i'm just glad you listened.
i'm not letting myself fall further, i'm just climbing out now.
i guess there was an over usage in the word 'probably'.
i'm sorry about that.
» 7:41 PM